the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
