I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
