I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
We need a shit load of segways right now
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
