dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
