i permit you to call me
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
