my phone needs a breathalizer
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
