I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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