Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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