you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
