I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
