I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
