Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
