i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
