Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
