I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
