I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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