I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
