member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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