i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
