Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
