I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
