I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
