CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
