There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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