She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
