i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
