i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You have to summon your inner elephant
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
