Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
