I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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