Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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