Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
