Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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