My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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