There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
