I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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