why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
