It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
