Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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