ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
