I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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