I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
