Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
i think i just lost a toe
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
