I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Randomize
