why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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