Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
you never un-have a 4some
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
