I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
