Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
