Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
