you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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