After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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