So drunk its hurt
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
